I know this might be a tad 'Emo' of me... But it's how I feel...

My emotions are completely breaking down on me, which is causing me to shut down on everybody else... Some people say I'm emotionally traumatized, though I think I'm just a stupid little girl.

People say "Stop being so depressed, be happy" well... It's not quite as easy as that... After you've had your emotions & your body bashed around and torn to pieces many times it's kinda hard, ya know?

I might just be an attention seeker, I don't know. All I know right now is that my heart can't stop dancing, but not for joy... I can't get my mind out of the dark, my emotions have been hurt too much... Right now I wouldn't care if I died or not - Wouldn't matter to me.

For the past few years I've tried, believe me, I've tried to cheer up, I've tried so hard to change the way I live and how I feel, but to be honest I don't see the point anymore. When I do cheer up, I end up getting myself into a state again somehow.

Recently all I've really done is cry and complain about how my life sucks as why I shouldn't even be here on this cruel, nasty so called "Home" of a Planet.

I've been through far too much in the past, physically... But now it's all emotionally... To be honest I would trade my emotional pain for Physical pain any day. That's the reason to why I've tried so many times to seriously damage my body, many people that care about me wonder why I would even try to cut myself or try to overdose - Well, it's because physical pain rules out my emotional pain, even if just for a split second... And falling into a deep sleep would be ideal for me, since my dreams are a hundred times better than my reality...

I know that Suicide is a sin, which is why I try not to commit that sin, as I really don't want to go to Hell... The thoughts that go through my mind about "Hell" really scare me... But sometimes I just go over the top and get very suicidal...

I just want to feel HAPPY... I want to get rid of the doubtful emotions inside me. I've totally cornered myself off from the rest of the world. I NEVER go outside into the public, unless to go to the Hospital. I rather like staying put in my bedroom with my laptop instead of going outside. I feel safer in here, even though it only makes it easier to get emotions of which aren't very nice...

Love, Jamie... x